Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

It’s still here.

It’s here now, writing to you.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

How do I know if I am a bitch? I try to be a nice person but people often jokingly call me a bitch. My family calls me a bitch sometimes too.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

And the sadness?

I was tired of trying and failing.

What happened to the American Russell Bentley from Texas that was fighting for the pro-Russian commies?

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Can a cop pull you over walking home asking why you are out so late?

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

Are you happy that soon we will never hear from Kamala Jones again?

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

I had run out of hope.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

Can you explain the difference between being a conservative Republican and a liberal Democrat? Can you provide some examples of their ideologies?

Be who you already are.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

Bucheron and Myriel’s Karyn Tomlinson win James Beard Awards - Star Tribune

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

The sadness was still there.

What do you think, TikTok is nothing but another porn site? Do you agree or not? Why?

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

Why do I sweat so much after shower?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

You are like me, then.

What is life without a job?

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

I was tired of fighting.